i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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