Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
