Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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