I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
