So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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