the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
