I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
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