I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
