And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she peed on how many people?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
