captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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