My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
