I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
