Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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