He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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