My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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