I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Randomize
