considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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