I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
