We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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