apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
