I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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