Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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