Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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