"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
