Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize