RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
