I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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