I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
