I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
that may or may not have been my penis.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
