i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
