It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
