Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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