Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
