I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
