how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
