im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
