I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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