hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
