Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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