why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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