I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
