just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I lost the right to judge tonight
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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