Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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