True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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