1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
