When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
