So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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