dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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