Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Randomize
