you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
