He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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