Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
