i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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