im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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