Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
