hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
