dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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