Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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