I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
