I could make wine with my vomit
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize