i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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