my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
