I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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