naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
