How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
