chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I will pee on everything he values.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
