just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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